The Lantern: Advice to NASA, USDA, and President Obama
“My friends are really talented” —Brady O’Callahan
Yup
by Nate Varrone
Dear NASA, USDA and President Obama,
I am writing to you all based on your own ignorance. I am writing you to say that we could potentially end every major problem facing this country and the world.
First and foremost I will address you, NASA. Have you guys seriously not read “Jack and the Beanstalk?” There is literally a whole new world right above the lower troposphere! A giant world. With giants. What the hell were you doing trying to send a man to the moon? You guys just missed it! You went too far! You drove your little “science ship” right through the solution! For once, stop and smell the roses NASA; the moon is of no importance to us. A giant leap for mankind? Really, Neil? Really? That’s ironic because we are actually a midget’s leap away from witnessing a real giant leaping! Maybe if you would’ve spent a little less time on a triangle’s obtuse and more on “Mother Goose,” this wouldn’t be an issue.
Now I would like to address you, United States Department of Agriculture. Don’t think you’re going to get by so easily on this one! Are you seriously not aware that there is a bean in existence that can grow upwards of 20 kilometers? And the germination stage of this plant is literally an overnight process. Furthermore, what do giants eat? Giant food! We could end world hunger as we know it! How have you not invested any time into finding that weird guy who sold Jack those beans? No American should have to go through the pain of watching those sad commercials with the babies with really large stomachs; it just grosses me out every time. Oh, and you could combine forces with NASA to become the United States Department of Agriculture and Aeronautical Space Administration, the USDAASA! Your sole purpose would be to grow large vegetables to the outer limits of the universe. It’s just more logical and economical for everyone.
Finally, I would like to address you, President Obama. Mr. President, there is a giant chicken in the lower troposphere that lays giant golden eggs. Once found, this chicken will make the United States rich beyond its wildest dream and will in turn pay off the $11 trillion deficit that plagues this country. Mr. President, that chicken’s cloaca is worth upwards of $11 trillion.
In conclusion, I feel that you all are incredibly stupid for not figuring all this out yourselves. Oh, and I think that Shaquille O’Neal would be a lot happier in Cleveland if we found his real parents up there while we were at it.
Sincerely,
Breren Jarlz
P.S. You’re welcome, world.Check out the column on The Lantern’s website. Comment and spread the word!
